My deepest darkest secret

I haven't weighed myself in two and a half years. Not because I didn't want to, but because I had gotten so heavy my scale couldn't recognize my weight anymore. It always left a "Err" message in the digital readout screen. This morning I stepped on the scale and there were numbers. 3-2-7 lbs. I remember being weighed at the doctor's office at one point and being mortified at the 347 pounds that stared back at me. I suppose I should back up a bit and explain how my journey started.

I have always struggled with my weight. I remember being in high school and having problems with anemia because my diet consisted of half a bagel every day for lunch with 10 grapes and the other half of the bagel for dinner and a couple of bites of whatever was on my plate. Do I think I had an eating disorder back then? Yes. Do I think I still have an eating disorder now? Yes (although it's at the other end of the spectrum now). Will I always struggle with my weight? Definitely. But for the first time in my life, I am committed to a journey. I am ready to put in countless hours and display endless amounts of patience to help me reach my goal and then the needed energy and patience to maintain my change once I arrive at my golden weight of 150 lbs. I used to run track and loved running. I had a knee injury and shin splints that really ended my running days. I just quit doing everything. I was 130 pounds and the next thing I knew, I hit 200, then 240, then 270, then 3-0-0. I cried. You have no idea how it feels to see those numbers on a scale unless you have seen them on your scale. I let it all slip so quickly. I just gave up after I hurt my knee. Recently I was in a musical production of "Nunsense." The musical director was talking about running marathons. I thought to myself, "I want to do that!" Crazy, huh? A 300-something pound girl wants to run a marathon. Yeah right! The day after the show closed I started running. I couldn't run for more than 60 seconds so I would run 60 seconds and walk 90 seconds. I would do three cycles of this and be completely worn out. (This is the same girl who used to run 4 miles in a day and feel like a slacker!) But I kept going until my shin splints prevented me from going any farther and then I'd go 90 MORE seconds! I wouldn't give up. Eventually after a week of this, I knew my shins weren't handling it very well. I was icing them and stretching, but to no avail. I started swimming and going to the gym and doing the elliptical machine and the recumbent bike. I am exercising EVERY day and EVERY day I feel stronger, I feel faster, and I feel healthier. Last night, I was able to walk 3/4 of a mile at a very fast pace before my shins started hurting. I did 8.5 miles on the bike too. The first time I was on a bike a few weeks ago, I could only go two miles. I could only run/walk probably half a mile (if that). I would come home after doing that the first two weeks and feel like I was dying. I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding, I was exhausted. Now I am starting to feel energized and healthy instead.

I suppose I am rambling a bit, my point is: I am going to do it this time.

I am reading Dr. Phil's book on weightloss (corny, I know)...but let me tell you. He had a couple of quotes that really helped me through the first few weeks:

1.) "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."
— Maya Angelou
2.) "If you have ever been to a circus, perhaps you have seen six-ton elephants tethered by rope to little wooden stakes. Have you ever wondered why one of these powerful animals doesn't yank that stake out of the ground and stampede off? When the elephants are young and powerless, they are attached by heavy chains to immovable steel stakes. The baby elephants tug and pull, but no matter how hard they try, the chains will not come out of the ground. As the elephants grow and get stronger, they come to believe that they cannot move anywhere as long as there is a stake in the ground nearby, no matter how tiny or weak the stake. They don't try to break loose because they think they can't. So it is with people. If you are like those circus elephants, you've allowed your thoughts and actions to limit you, and like those elephants, you may not have been aware that you had choices. Well, you may not have been aware before, but I'm telling you now that you do have choices, you do have power, now you know. You don't have to stay mindlessly tied to stakes of wrong thinking and self-destructive behavior. You can pull up the stakes of wrong thinking and self-destructive behavior. You can "pull up the stakes," transcend your conditioning, and reprogram yourself for success rather than failure."
--The Ultimate Weight Solution by Dr. Phil McGraw

When I read that last quote, it really dawned on me: "I DON'T HAVE TO BE FAT!!" Duh.

I started my weight loss journey on June 1st, 2009 and hope to lose 50 pounds by Christmas and 100 pounds by next June 1st (2010). Looking at those numbers scares me...but I know I can do it I have this light that is inside me this time and this resolve that I have never experienced before.

I suppose that's all for today. I have never done a blog before, so this is all new to me and kinda scary to share. I am afraid of putting myself out there like this, but I know it's a part of the process. So thanks for reading and please comment if you'd like. Keep it positive please ; )