Quote of the Week

Sometimes it is not good enough to do your best; you have to do what is required.

~Sir Winston Churchill

Cardi-OH!

So Monday, I went to the gym and managed to get in an hour on the elliptical, but MAN was I struggling. I don't know what was going on! It was one of those workouts where you sweat and you hurt and you feel every breath...I was so happy when that hour was OVER!!! I just kept on trying to psych myself out with the clock. I wouldn't allow myself to look at it. Sometimes that helps me with cardio. They have t.v.s at my gym, so I'll watch the t.v. and try to get really into a show and then allow myself to look at the clock during commercial breaks. It seems to make it go a little faster. It still is tough, but at least it distracts me. I have found that is the battle with me 9 times out of 10...finding a way to distract myself. If I am successful, I can do anything, if not, watch out...I am gonna be whining my way through my workout. But I don't give up. I just tell myself to suck it up and go. Speaking of sucking it up and going, after my dreadful workout, I still had my wall sits to do, so I did my 5 minutes of wall sits after working out and lemme tell you, if you are looking to strengthen those thighs really quickly and not spend money doing it...WALL SITS. Find your nearest wall, pull up an imaginary chair and sit. OUCH! Thanks for the challenge, Anna!


Tuesday, I got dressed and was having a hard time deciding what to wear. I wanted to wear a dress, so I decided to try on one of my sundresses from two years ago. I hadn't worn it in quite some time because it was too tight. It was still a little snug, but I sure as heck wore it to work yesterday. It made me feel good see that I was beginning to fit in a smaller dress size. I have definitely started noticing a difference in my legs and my rib area. I feel like the weight is coming off from the top of my head downwards and the bottom of my feet upwards. Unfortunately, my mid-section still seems a bit unphased. Oh well. All in due time, all in due time.



For my workout yesterday, I couldn't believe what I did!! I was driving home from work and all of a sudden this evil little voice comes out and says..."Why don't you try to run for 20 minutes straight?" Uh...I tried to ignore the voice, but it kept plaguing me and getting louder and louder until I had the impulse to actually give it a try. Like I had on the stair climber, I got sweaty feet...as I always do when I get nervous. I wasn't sure that this was a good idea. I could give myself a heart attack...I could hurt my knee...I could inflame my shin splints. Man...I had a whole list of things that I just knew were going to go wrong. So I decided I would do it and I drug along the guy who rents our basement to call 9-1-1 when I had a heart attack. I started out okay, I ran a lap and 100 meters into the second lap, I was DYING. My legs were screaming, I kept thinking about how long the track was, how much time was left; I knew I wouldn't make it unless I could psych myself out. So I decided to run at the end of the track were they usually have the high jump. I couldn't tell how far I was running then and a lap around that little area wasn't far at all. This way I only had to whine about how long I had and how bad my legs were hurting. Well, I believe most people walk faster than I was running (let's just say I would have been a shoo-in for that slo-mo running sequence in "Chariots of Fire"). But FINALLY Nick came and collected me at my end of the track and I SOMEHOW ran the rest of the lap completing my 20 minutes.



HOLY COW.



When I started this process June 1st, I couldn't run 60 seconds without stopping. Seriously...I couldn't run 60 seconds. I haven't run for 20 minutes since I was in high school. I am so proud of myself. I don't say that to sound like I have a big head, but I say it cause I need to hear it. I never tell myself that "I am proud of me." We should all do that a lot more often than we do. As I was reflecting yesterday I realized that I had always looked to others to find acceptance and love of myself. I told one of my friends yesterday that : "I always thought love would fix me, and I was right, love does fix a person...but it's not the love I was looking for. It is the love that is always there. I should have been looking for the love of myself to fix me...not the love of myself by someone else." After I wrote it, I looked back at it and started thinking, do I really love myself? Am I really giving myself the credit I deserve? No. So one of my goals this week is to occasionally celebrate myself and praise myself. It's just one more layer of the cocoon that must be unravelled.


So yes, my running adventure yesterday coined my new phrase for cardio...from now on, it will always be called cardi-OH! Cause that's all I can do afterwards...say "oh..gasp..gasp...I am dying!" or "OH...gasp...gasp...I'll never make it." or "OH...gasp...gasp...THANK THE LORD I AM FINISHED!!" : )


I came home and did my planks (compliments of Demesha) and BOY do those monsters hurt. I did 3 minutes worth of them. You know it's a good exercise if your whole body is shaking as you are doing it. OUCH.

OH! And I joined "Operation Fat Blaster" today...you should too. Michelle wants all of us to set a goal, and I am trying to come up with what mine will be. I might keep it kinda vague. I just want to keep losing weight and gaining strength. But we'll see what I come up with. I suppose that's all I have for now! Happy weight loss!

Another Lightbulb Moment

This lightbulb moment is sponsored by Demesha ; )

So first off, allow me to apologize for allowing all of my posts to get several days behind. I have been working really hard the past week or so and have had absolutely no time for posting! So, allow me to catch you up:

Last week Demesha (http://rebornwright.blogspot.com/) challenged me to do three things:
1. DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF MORE THAN ONCE THIS WEEK.
2. @ least 5 days this week w/ a minimum of 20 minutes of cardio each day.
3. POSITIVE THINKING - I want you to write down anytime you have a negative thought this week (when you can at least) and how you CHOSE to make it a positive thought. Send them to me on facebook (personal message) or by email on friday. I want to hear about you taking your thoughts captive and turning them into positive ones.

So last week, I accomplished numbers one and two easily and when I weighed myself Saturday, I was down to 323.8! That was a 7 pound weight loss in 5 days! I couldn't believe it! I worked out 6 days this week for at least an hour (actually Monday I did the stair climber and only managed to go for 20 minutes...yikes was that a painful 20 minutes) so I worked SUPER hard...BUT the item on the Demesha Challenge that I really want to focus on in this blog is the 3rd item:

I have a problem with negative thoughts. They are so pervasive in my mind that I don't even notice them sometimes. Within the past three or four weeks, I have become more aware that they are there and they are detrimental to my success. I had been trying to combat them and then week before last, they got really bad. I was weighing myself every day. I didn't think I was doing myself any harm, just holding myself accountable. BAD IDEA. I was beating myself up soooo much for those dumb numbers that weren't going anywhere on the scale...and guess what happened weekend before last? I BINGED. I ate and ate and ate. I hadn't realized just how much of a negative impact that the scale has on me. It was a real "ah-ha moment" this week when I saw how much more focused I was without weighing myself. My mind was completely clear and focused. So jumping back to number 3 on the challenge--what negative thoughts did I have?

NONE.

Even as I see it here typed out, I can't believe it. My mind has been so cluttered with self-destructive thoughts for so long, that I didn't hear them anymore until recently. Last week, I listened SO HARD for one of those thoughts. I even carried around a pad of paper and a pencil waiting to have the opportunity to write one down. I had even thought of positive thoughts to combat any potential negative thoughts that might come my way.

NOTHING.

There was nothing. As I sat down to the computer last Friday to write down my thoughts for Mesha, I felt like she would think I had cheated and that I blew off the final part of the assignment. This wasn't the case at all. I put so much time and effort and thought into that one and I had nothing to show for it. Right as I was starting to feel a little disappointed, I turned to my husband and asked him how many negative thoughts he had about himself on a daily basis. He gave me a strange look and said, "Well sometimes I get down on myself, but I don't have daily negative thoughts." I pushed him further and said, "So you haven't thought anything bad about yourself today?" His answer was no. I stopped and looked back at my computer screen and the blank message that I had for Demesha and I started sobbing. Jamie jumped over to me and started asking if I was alright and if he had said something wrong and I just looked at him and said, "I have been so abnormal for so long that I don't even know what normal is."

It isn't normal to have so many negative thoughts about yourself. It isn't normal to wake up thinking terrible things about yourself, your body, your life and go to be thinking the same things. That's awful! I realized just how captive I was holding my body. I have been a hostage to my mind and my thoughts for so many years.

All of a sudden I felt a door unlock. Dr. Phil has 7 doors to weight loss, and one of the first ones that you have to "unlock" is turning around your thinking. Friday night, I turned it around. I all of a sudden had a mirror held up to my face and realized how terribly I had been treating myself emotionally: this is why I have anxiety, this is why I drink, this is why I am big, this is why I am gruff and distant, it explained so much. Negativity is kind of like quick sand, the deeper you get into it, the further and further you sink and the harder it is to see how to escape. I am just in awe of how quickly my thinking changed once I was aware of it.

Honestly, I don't know if the seven pounds I lost this week were fat at all. I think it was 7 pounds of negativity I let go.

If you are reading this, and having negative thoughts about yourself, take #3 of the Demesha Challenge this week. Send me your results and see if you can't trap those thoughts before they take root in your mind. The difficult task of losing weight becomes so much easier when you can unlock the chains that have been holding you back. I have posted this before, but I'll post it again because it is such a vivid description of "the fat girl mentality" that is apropos to this post:

"If you have ever been to a circus, perhaps you have seen six-ton elephants tethered by rope to little wooden stakes. Have you ever wondered why one of these powerful animals doesn't yank that stake out of the ground and stampede off? When the elephants are young and powerless, they are attached by heavy chains to immovable steel stakes. The baby elephants tug and pull, but no matter how hard they try, the chains will not come out of the ground. As the elephants grow and get stronger, they come to believe that they cannot move anywhere as long as there is a stake in the ground nearby, no matter how tiny or weak the stake. They don't try to break loose because they think they can't. So it is with people. If you are like those circus elephants, you've allowed your thoughts and actions to limit you, and like those elephants, you may not have been aware that you had choices. Well, you may not have been aware before, but I'm telling you now that you do have choices, you do have power, now you know. You don't have to stay mindlessly tied to stakes of wrong thinking and self-destructive behavior. You can pull up the stakes of wrong thinking and self-destructive behavior. You can "pull up the stakes," transcend your conditioning, and reprogram yourself for success rather than failure."

--The Ultimate Weight Solution by Dr. Phil McGraw

Thank you, Mesha.

Demesha Challenge Days 4 & 5 and Chasing Tennis Balls

THURSDAY (Day 4):

So Thursday was my first day with my bodybugg. It is such a cool little piece of technology. It has really helped me understand how interval training can go a lot further (concerning caloric burn) than endurance training. Both are good, but I am definitely going to try to do more interval training. On Thursday, I did 65 minutes on the elliptical at level 10 (out of 25). It sure did wipe me out. Demesha's challenge to work out 5 days this week has worn me out!! MY SHOULDERS WERE SWEATING! Seriously? How do you get sweaty shoulders? I hit my calorie expenditure target for the day...around 3700 calories...and enjoyed the new Harry Potter movie, which I enjoyed : )

FRIDAY (Day 5):

Friday, I lounged around all day because I have them off this summer. It has been so nice. I am going to be sad to go back to a 5 day work week. I went to the gym and did 60 minutes on the elliptical at level 10. My legs were seriously smoked from the day before, so I gave myself a 5 minute reward ; ) As I was on the elliptical, another girl got on and started working out. She was overweight too, and was taking quite a few breaks. I just kinda welled up. I understood how she was feeling. It wasn't even 4 weeks ago that I couldn't do but 20 minutes on the elliptical. I wanted to say something encouraging to her, but I didn't want her to notice that I had seen her struggling. As it was, I just smiled and kept going. I know I might have been a little weirded out if someone had said something to me in the gym like that. It's still bothering me though, maybe I should have said something. Finding the courage to go to the gym and struggle in front of people is such a brave thing and something to be proud of. Next time I see her, I'll be sure to say something.

So...I had only done 60 minutes and I was feeling guilty for my 5 minute reward. This little contraption that is in the corner started calling to me: The Summit Trainer (imagine an elliptical mixed with a stairclimber from HELL)..."Just 5 minutes, Valerie...you can do 5 minutes...come on!" So begrudgingly, I climbled on...which was a feat enough in itself...I was way up in the air. And I started going...OH-MY-GOSH-OUCH!!! I made it five minutes, then it was kind enough to offer me a cool-down...uh, no thank you. I got home and Jamie asked me how my work out was, I said "Stick me on a spit...I have roasted thighs." Wow did that hurt!

Later that day, I felt bad because I hadn't hit 10000 steps, so I hiked up to the water tower on the mountain I live on. That did it! I hit my calorie expenditure for the day AND my total number of steps! I got home and was exhausted. Jamie insisted that I go ahead and eat dinner because I was no where near my calorie intake for the day...BAD IDEA. I was soooo sick. I blew it on my calories that day, I had a 2,995 calorie deficit...very bad. I just couldn't hold any food down. It reminded me of contestants losing it all on the Biggest Loser...no fun. Let's hope that I don't have that problem again for a while. I had a bowl of sherbert and went to bed.

SATURDAY:

Was supposed to be my day off...but NO WAY! I wanted to go go go...my bodybugg was "bugging" me. After Jamie and I had a heated game of Monopoly out on the deck (in the BEAUTIFUL) weather, we went and played tennis for about an hour and a half...of course we spent more time chasing the ball than hitting it. We are both a little out of practice, but I loved it! I played tennis for 11 years when I was younger and I realized yesterday that I want to start playing again. I think I may join a tennis team or something. Not only is it great stress relief, but it is also great built in interval training. I was burning calories like a furnace until 1 a.m. last night.

The Demesha Challenge has been great for me. I have learned a lot about myself and I am working on a blog for tomorrow that will explain all I have learned in a week (and let me tell you...it is huge). Thank you, Demesha. You have really made a change in me this week.

I did it!

I did it! I completed the Demesha Challenge...I'll post more on this tomorrow (and believe me--I have A LOT to say), right now...beddy bye. So tired...zzzzz...

Demesha Challenge Day 3 and DENIAL

Whew! Yesterday I went for 65 minutes on the elliptical! Not only was I proud of my time, but I went farther than I did on Monday (see my progress by comparing photos) and I did it at a higher intensity AND I burned 1000 calories. I was DONE when I got off that thing! I did a 5K! (A very slow 5K, but a 5K nonetheless!) I felt very productive after my hour on it yesterday. I realized after I got off it that I was super close to 900 calories, so I got back on and went the remaining 3 calories so I hit 900. I got in the car to go home and I felt guilty because I didn't go for 1000 calories, so when I went home, I ran up and down the stairs a few times to make up the remaining 100 I needed to get to 1000 : )

I got my bodybugg yesterday and according to my plan, I will reach my goal weight of 150 pounds on April 3, 2011 (the month after I run the Disney Princess Half Marathon!). It is so exciting to see an actual date. Who knows if I will hit it or not, but according to my bugg, if I maintain a 1000 calorie deficit every day, I can hit it. I think that's what I have been averaging so far, so we'll see if I can keep it up. If not, I'll just lower my calorie deficit and it'll push my day back a little, but no biggie! I will keep posting stuff on my bodybugg and how it is working for me. So far, I love it. It has the easiest meal tracking system I have ever used!

So I am doing my first road race on August 16th...pray for me. It's up the side of a mountain and back down it to the college, so I am crazy afraid. It's only about a mile and a half, but it is a "no joking mile and a half" I am going to be doing it with my former WW leader who has lost about 130 pounds...I have no idea why. Maybe all this exercise is keeping oxygen from my brain.

Yikes...that makes my feet sweat a little...does anyone else get sweaty feet when they get nervous? Not sweaty palms, but sweaty hands...hmmm. This next topic makes my feet sweat too, because it is way honest and out there for all to see. I have never admitted to any of the things that follow, and now I am writing it down:

I am working through some of my stressors with the help of Dr. Phil's book "The Ultimate Weight Solution." Your stress always goes through some sort of filter: the example he gave was David and Goliath. The Iraelite soliders set eyes on Goliath and said to themselves, "He is so big that we can never slay him." When David saw Goliath, he said to himself, "He is so big that I cannot miss him." Two completely different reactions to the very same stressor because of very different perceptual filters. One of the biggest perceptual filters that we face is DENIAL. Dr. Phil says that "Denial is a dangerous filter because it suppresses the truth about yourself. Living in denial, you can be like a pressure cooker that is not allowed to vent it's steam...Denying certain realities weakens us, and kills what might have been a real chance to overcome a problem, had the solution been pursued in time. " So I am going to let this pressure cooker vent it's steam right now.

Denial rears it's ugly head in the form of our thoughts and mental conversations we have with ourselves on a day to day basis. For example, I was always thinking, "I am talented on stage, so people will forgive my weight" or "I am a nice person so people won't mind that I am fat" or "This is just the way I am...deal with it" or "I am happy with how I look." It seriously depended on the day as to what I told myself to get through it. None of these things were really true though...I felt self conscious on stage because I was fat, I wouldn't talk to people for them to find out I was nice because I was fat, I wasn't "dealing with it", so I wanted other people to "deal with it." I wasn't happy with how I looked...who was I kidding besides me?

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid.
~RICHARD BACH

I am afraid.

This is the simplest reason I can find as to why I am in denial. Not only am I in denial about my weight, but I am in denial about how I got here. Eating more fast food than one should in a life time, not exercising AT ALL, DRINKING!

Here's where my blog takes a scary turn (for me at least). I am dealing with my denial over my weight, but I am not dealing with my denial concerning my drinking. Am I an alcoholic? I don't think so, but I do so very look forward to my one night a week where I can drink all the wine I can hold. I have been doing this for about 4 years. That is at minimum, 208 nights of my life where I was unapologetically intoxicated. I abuse alcohol.

It has dawned on me in the midst of this life change that not only do I have to start eating right and exercising, but the alcohol needs to go away. My grandfather was an alcoholic and I need not tempt fate. Additionally, I am a pack a day smoker. I start Chantix tomorrow and I quit smoking in 8 days. I am seriously terrified. Terrified of failing, terrified of screwing up my exercise or diet, terrified of change.

I have NEVER said that I think I have a drinking problem, but as I sit here typing this right now, I feel sad at not having that little celebration this weekend. (That's what drinking has been to me...a little party, a little happiness in a glass.) That sounds like a problem to me. I have to make myself understand that I have another place to find that happiness now and that's in my health and in my exercise and my quest to be fit. But it sure is scary to think about not having my "celebration night" this weekend at the same time, it is scary to think about logging in all the calories from wine into my bodybugg.

There...I said it. It scares me, but I am not going to erase it.

No one said change was an easy thing, so I best just buckle in and hang on for the ride.

The Demesha Challenge Day 2

BLLLAAAAHHHHH!!!! This is what the "Satan Torture Machine of Death's" screen looks like. HOLY COW. So yesterday, I decided to mix it up a little and try the stair climber. Demesha challenged me to 20 minutes of cardio every day, so yesterday I decided to try to hit 20 minutes on the stair climber. Let me just say after 3 minutes, I thought my legs were falling off. I mean they were SCREAMING. I had my concerns about getting my heart rate up to the right point and this one certainly got it up there...only problem was that it got up to 169 and I actually found that I should be aiming for around 155 (which is where I was staying on the elliptical most days, so I was right on target...I thought it was too low). Anywhoo...I somehow managed to fight through the 20 minutes and I swear I thought of each and every one of you at some point and how we all struggle, but we are all persevering. I went through everyone's name in my head and asked myself if they would quit and the answer for each of you was a RESOUNDING NO! : ) I am so thankful for each and every one of you who has helped me along the way for the past few weeks. It's amazing to think of the support I have found in such a short time.

So I did it! I went 20 minutes and burned 326 calories (not a bad payoff for 20 minutes) and went 40 flights of stairs (according to the machine). I thought about trying the elliptical for a while after the stair climber, but decided against it. I just went home and collapsed. Demesha, my hat is off to you for doing 30 TO 40 MINUTES ON THAT TORTURE DEVICE!!! You are one strong girl. I took this picture of myself when I got back into my car. Gosh I love my Irish skin! I always turn beet red when I exercise. I have always been like that. I hate it when people ask me, "Are you okay?" Yes!!! I am!!! I am just Irish and turn a nice shade of "Santa Suit Red" when I move at all! ; ) Wow...what an awful picture...it makes me laugh. I think I was saying "phew" or something when I took it...but that is the face of achievement!

I had another topic that I was really wanting to discuss today "DENIAL"...but I have been extra busy today and didn't have time to really write about it. I am so ready to leave work...MY BODY BUGG IS WAITING ON ME AT HOME!! I can't wait to go work out!

Wait...did I actually just say that? "I can't wait to go work out!" HA! I did! : )

So tomorrow, I will hopefully be able to get my post out about denial. It is something that I think I may be struggling with a bit. I think it would be good to write it all out.

This evening, I think I have a date with an elliptical machine...we'll see about the dreaded stairclimber...I have a feeling it will be staring me down the whole time I am at the gym until I give in to it.

The Mesha Challenge Day 1

So I was pretty peeved that this was the best picture I could get. I was taking a picture of my final workout totals and I pressed the wrong button and deleted all of it. Oh well...

YESTERDAY:
Demesha Wright (http://rebornwright.blogspot.com/) challenged me to do at least 20 minutes of cardio for the next five days. Being the "hard-headed-I'll-one-up-that" kind of person I am, I went to the gym last night and did 60 minutes of cardio on the elliptical. I went a total of 3.4 miles and burned a grand total of 823 calories (you can see I have the labeled on the picture above.) It was on level 10 intensity for the majority of the time (out of a possible 25.) I have to say, I have really hit my stride with the elliptical machine--no pun intended. I really have figured out how to pace myself to go farther. The only problem is, I am NOT going very fast AT ALL. So my question to all you fitness gurus out there is:

Which is better: going faster at a higher intensity for a shorter period of time or going at a slower pace for a longer period of time?

My heartrate never got much higher than 155 the whole time, so I felt like I should go a little harder, but I knew I would never last the hour and would probably burn less calories if I went at it too hard too quickly. I mean, don't get me wrong...when I hit the 55 minute mark, I was EX-HAUSTED. But, when exercising what do you go by when qualifying a good workout? Heart rate? Caloric expenditure? Soreness the next day? (Okay...so the soreness is probably not the best sign, but it makes me feel as though I have been productive.) Every day, I push myself a little harder, but it usually ends up being pushing myself harder in the endurance arena...which is par for the course for me. When I was running, I was never one for sprinting and tiring myself out really quickly and then sprinting again, I prefered a long crescendo into a burn. Is that the same thing that I am doing with longer, slower paced workouts?

Which brings me to another thing I have been really struggling with mentally. My brain wants this whole process to be quick, quick, quick! Deep in my gut, however, I know good and well that this is going to be a long race and, like my workouts, I need to take it nice and slow and easy. It really is a battle sometimes! Kristin Steede pointed out on her website one day that if I were to only lose 2 pounds a week, every week for an entire year it would come out to 102 pounds. That is a life changing amount of weight.

So today, I am going to try a new machine at the gym. I am a little scared! I am going to try to do 20 minutes on the dreaded stair climber. I haven't ever tried it, but it looks like something that will wear my butt out in about 5 mintues flat. Yikes! I'll be sure to update and let you all know how this adventure goes this afternoon.

In closing, I have my first update on the bodybugg...if you order one, go ahead and shell out the extra cash for the faster shipping. It is taking too long to get here!! I am ready for it already! : ) It's supposed to get here tomorrow. I am worse than a little kid at Christmas!

Oh...and my doctor called me and everything was a-okay from my physical. My total cholesterol was at 166, my LDLs were at 116, my triglycerides were at 73 and my HDL (good cholesterol) were a little low at 35 and they wanted to see that between 40 and 45. They said it would go up with exercise. I guess I am surprised it isn't worse than that. I figured things would come back a lot worse because of how big I have gotten. So that was good news! And to whomever asked me (I can't remember if it was you Mesha or Ali or who it was) about how I came up with 1800 calories a day, it was from my doctor. I am going to cut it back to 1200 and see what happens!

Thanks to all of you for the love and support. It gets me through some really tough times...you (yes, you) have no idea how you encourage me every single day!!

Through the Rabbit Hole

Last week, I did great with my exercise. I realized looking back over my posts that I hadn't really mentioned how much improvement I am seeing in my endurance and strength. Kristin Steede had posted on her facebook that she burned 900 calories in a workout. Several other people responded to this saying that they too had burned 800, 900 some even 1100 calories in one workout. I thought I was doing good to burn 400! Well, as some crazy kind of challenge to myself, I set out to try to hit 900 calories in one workout last week.

Monday was insane! I was able to walk 2 miles and I did 30 minutes on the eliptical! I had only hit 20 before! I approximated the calories from the walk and from the eliptical, and I hadn't hit 900, same thing on Tuesday, I fell short. Wednesday, I said to myself, enough joking around...just do it and don't stop till you hit it! It took me one hour and 10 minutes on the eliptical (yes, you read that right...70 minutes!). I DID 70 MINUTES ON THE ELIPTICAL AND BURNED 1002 CALORIES!! : D I couldn't believe it! I couldn't walk either, but I did it! I worked out on Thursday and did really well too, but mainly my faite d'accompli last week was the 1002 calories and the 70 minutes (scary thing is, I might have been able to pull about 10 more minutes out of myself...although I was pretty smoked by the end of it.)

I found myself filing that feeling away. I never would have thought I had 70 minutes in me (I am doing good to hit 30), but I did it. I keep tucking these memories of success away for rainy days and *ahem* half-marathons in my future. I can do it. I know I can.


FAST FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND


Well, with as much success as I had at the gym last week, I thought this weekend would be great. I thought I could stay on target no problem...WRONG! If you have ever seen Alice in Wonderland (the Disney version)...do you remember when Alice finds the path home? She begins running down the red path thinking "Why, I'll be home in time for dinner!" and all of a sudden, she meets the little sweeping dog-like creature in the middle of the road and finds that it has swept away the red path she was so sure was leading her back home? She finds herself alone and lost in the woods with no path leading her to the next point. She sits down and cries and sings this song of which I find the first verse rather a propos to my tendencies:


I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
That explains the trouble that I'm always in
Be patient, is very good advice
But the waiting makes me curious
And I'd love the change
Should something strange begin


Why can't I just be patient? I feel like I sabotaged myself this weekend to a certain extent by being so curious about the scale last weekend. The worst part? I knew it was coming and I still let it happen. Sigh. I am racking my brain trying to figure out why I allowed myself to go off target like I did. I am not sure what the answer is. I guess I didn't totally blow it...instead of eating a gallon of ice cream it was sherbert (and not a gallon ; ) But still...why did I allow myself to binge on anything? Dr. Phil says in his book that there will always be setbacks, that it is those accomplishments (such as the ones I listed above) which we must cling to in these times. I sure am clinging to them today. The one positive thing I can say beyond all else is that: I still have no choice. I will lose this weight and I am not giving myself an option.

Today, I resolve not to dwell on the weekend and keep going. One of my favorite authors has a great quote:
"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better."
~ Samuel Beckett

And Confucius say:
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."
~ Confucius

Today I woke up, dusted myself off, have spent the majority of the day mentally collecting myself and I am ready to go again. I got to work today and I found that Miss. Demesha had returned the favor of my challenging her by giving me 3 CHALLENGES to overcome this week ; ) Her challenges for me for the week are:

1. DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF MORE THAN ONCE THIS WEEK.

2. @ least 5 days this week w/ a minimum of 20 minutes of cardio each day.

3. POSITIVE THINKING - I want you to write down anytime you have a negative thought this week (when you can at least) and how you CHOSE to make it a positive thought. Send them to me on facebook (personal message) or by email on friday. I want to hear about you taking your thoughts captive and turning them into positive ones.

I say, "Bring it, Mesha!". Thank you so much for this little push. It really put me back on track.

If you would indulge me to return to my "Alice In Wonderland" analogy, I'll close it by saying that after Alice had her good cry and then suddenly, the Cheshire Cat appeared and showed her a new way--see his half moon smile in the picture to the right? Sometimes, it just takes someone saying the slightest thing, giving us the slightest push to put us back on track and help us find the path again however obvious it may be. Demesha...thank you for being my "Cheshire Cat" this week. You helped me find another way and put me back on path:

What Am I Doing Wrong?

Okay. So I am still MASSIVELY frustrated. I somehow gained a pound between yesterday and today. It wasn't the best food day...I had Subway for lunch and Taco Bell for dinner (minus 10 points from Gryffindor for eating fast food twice in a day). I made good choices though. I had a banana for b-fast, ham and turkey footlong on wheat bread for lunch and two bean burritos for dinner. Calorie total for b-fast was around 105 lunch came out around 610 and dinner came out around 700. So my total calories for the day were 1415. I need to be around 1800 for weight loss from what I understand.

I was so proud of myself yesterday because I was able to do an hour and 10 minutes on the elliptical (considering June 1st, I was doing good to do 15 minutes...I considered it nothing short of a miracle). I burned 1002 calories. This leaves me with only 415 calories left over (and I am sure those calories were burned off from the going and coming of the day).

Here's where I get really irritated:

I don't think my body is letting go of the weight because it thinks it is going into "starvation mode"...whatever that is. I think it is really holding on to all that it can because I have gone from zero activity to heavy activity. I also think I need to be eating more calories. I was doing Weight Watchers, but I always get so frustrated because at the end of the day, I inevitably find myself with 15 to 20 points left over...how do I get rid of that many points without eating junk? So when I have that kind of a deficit for the day, I go to get some ice cream and I fill those points. Here's the deal though: I didn't eat ice cream when I was eating "fat"...so why would I eat it when I am trying to eat "skinny?" AAARRRGGGHHH!!! So I threw WW out of the window. I bought a Bodybugg yesterday and I hope that it's going to help me out with a lot of this...

For the meantime though, if any of you has any insight into what I am experiencing will you please help a sister out? I am really irritated. I know my last blog was all about ridding myself of "frustration thinking", but at a certain point I have to get real with myself and say, "This isn't working...what are we going to do now?"

SO...."This isn't working! What are we going to do now?!"

Wednesday's Wisdom

I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better. ~ Maya Angelou

Eliminating the "Frustration Thinking"

I need to start with something positive today. Last night, I went on the elliptical for 30 minutes and burned 482 calories. It came out to about 2 miles. The last 5 minutes I did it at the highest level...my dog-gone legs were about to fall off! Afterwards, I walked a lap around the track and realized my shin splints weren't going to cooporate after the long walk yesterday, so I got on the bike. I stayed on it for 30 minutes and burned 254 calories...around 7.8 miles. So total: 736 calories wasn't anything to sneeze at. I was pretty proud, so I went home after the bike. (And while I am on the subject...does anyone else hate the recumbent bike because it makes your butt fall asleep and makes the bottom of your feet burn? I hate that, but I digress!) I noticed yesterday that my heart rate wasn't going up as high as it has been. Maybe I am finding a groove in this whole thing. I felt in the zone the whole time I was on the elliptical. I was in a pattern and it flew by. That made me happy.

Okay...so on with the soapbox/lesson learned of the day:

Man am I struggling!! Not with my motivation, but with the way I think. That dang scale that stares at me every morning in the bathroom is going to be my ruin! I can't resist the urge to stand on it every morning and scrutinize every tenth of a pound. This is not helpful thinking. Once again, for as corny as I feel admitting it, Dr. Phil McGraw is a genius. His book is my personal bio to a "t." I am one who internalizes all my past failures and wallows in the blame. I am working on letting the negative aspects of this type of thinking disappear. Sometimes it is good to accept the blame...but it's that frustration thinking that gets in my way of it staying healthy.

For example, here's how my mornings go: Valerie wakes up (begrudgingly) stumbles into the bathroom, pitters around and inevitably finds herself standing on the scale. "What!! It only moved by .4??? Are you serious? I worked so hard yesterday! I am so mad at myself!" (frustration thinking), Valerie gets into the shower and ponders that measly .4 lb. difference and internalizes it and ponders and grunts and ponders and groans and ponders and etc. etc. etc. until the cycle turns into a destructive thought: "I'll never do this" or "You are kidding yourself." NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! Keep in mind, this is with a .4 lb. weight loss in a day. We won't even discuss the days when there is an extra pound there!!

These are they types of thoughts I MUST DISPOSE OF IMMEDIATELY! These thoughts are the beginnings of the failure of every diet I have ever been on. There's one difference this time, though...I know they are there! In the past, I didn't necessarily think that being hard on myself was a bad thing. I would let these crazy thoughts run through my mind all day long and let them drive me to distraction and ultimately failure. I recognize those thoughts now. I have a little Brinks Security System installed in my mind that goes off when one runs through. You can't change what you don't recognize. These thoughts will NOT sink me this time. I need to find my "weight loss zen." But like the pounds, these negative thoughts and tendencies to mentally beat myself up aren't going to disappear overnight. I imagine they'll take just as long (if not longer) to get rid of as 196 pounds. Oh well, this isn't a race...it's a process. I just keep having to drown myself in the process day after day. I'll get there...so until then I am proud of my .4 loss on the scale this morning darn it!!!

Maybe I'll lock the scale in a closet and take it out on the last day of the month from now on.

Oh! I am super excited! I bought the bodybugg today. We'll see how it works. It was pretty stinkin expensive, but I did a whole lot of research and people seemed genuinely pleased with the equipment and the service. I'll keep everyone updated on how it works.

My Mantra of the Day

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Every Step Gets Stronger

Some days I draw inspiration from other people's blogs that are going through the same process as I. Yesterday, I was poking around Kristin Steede's site (from last season of The Biggest Loser: http://www.kristinsteede.com/) and she had burned 900 calories in her workout. On average, I burn around 345, which isn't too bad, but isn't blowing up the charts either. I read a couple of other blogs of folks I have met from Kristin's site (in particular Demesha: http://rebornwright.blogspot.com/ and Alexis: http://losinglex.blogspot.com/) and there seemed to be a theme of pushing yourself harder than you think you can possibly push.

Yesterday I went to the gym with the mindset of "I AM GOING TO STAY HERE UNTIL I BURN 900 CALORIES." I started out by walking a mile, did the elliptical, and then walked another mile. All in all, I burned 875 calories...at least (and I am sure I knocked out the remaining 25 on the walk back to my car). I got into my car and just sat there for a minute. Then the tears started coming down my face. Why was I crying? I had just had a great workout and could go home and relax with Jamie and the puppies...what was wrong? Then it dawned on me...I was crying because I was proud of myself for the first time in a VERY long time. Legitimately proud from my toes to the ends of my hair. I was so astonished that I had let myself go that long without patting myself on the back and telling myself "I am proud of you."

I am doing this. I am actually doing this. That last mile I felt like I had fire for blood. This feeling is incredible and I am so happy to just let it wash over me as I feel each step I take getting stronger, each weight I lift getting lighter, each breath I take getting easier. I have learned not to fight it anymore. I have not given myself a way out or an excuse to quit...and for the first time in my life, it's working.

When I started this on June 1st, 2009, I could barely walk one lap around a track without being in serious pain from shin splints and my knees. I had to stop and stretch and rub my legs out before I kept on going. Yesterday...a month and 6 days from the 1st of June, I walked 2 miles and did 2 miles on the elliptical. I am getting stronger and I am proud of myself. I may actually do a marathon before all is said and done after all! In fact...I know I will.

Cleansing the Palate

My last blog has left me feeling liberated. In accepting that I was angry about these things, I have found a certain amount of peace. I am letting go of all that anger I bottled up for so many years. I am moving on. It feels good to acknowledge that. Not only am I on a quest to lose weight physically, but I have a good deal of emotional weight to throw off the wagon too. It's amazing how simple it is to let go of things when you just write them down. They aren't so traumatic and hurtful when you see them in little black letters. They're just words.

I found this poem on letting go that I though was pretty appropriate:

Letting Go
Author Unknown

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

Holding on to everything is keeping me from succeeding. It holds me at my status quo. I want to soar above that, so I am cutting the strings on my fears and anxietys from my past and going forward into my future without all the extra weight to hold me down (figuratively and hopefully literally one of these days ;)

I wouldn't normally post two blogs in one day, but I needed to cut the acridness of my last post with the sweetness of my future--one that is a bit more focused on "So where do I go from here" instead of one which was paved in self-pity.

This has been a good step for me. I am ready for a good workout this afternoon to sweat the rest of my troubles away.

I AM ANGRY THAT...

Last week, I was watching Oprah and she had severely overweight teens on her show. They were discussing their weight and they had a group therapy session with a married couple (I can't remember their names now...) that was just absolutely eye opening.

A lot of the hurt that I carry (and in this situation hurt is equivalent to pounds) is from high school. I had a couple of things happen to me that really affected who I am today. Those "things" were the reason that I started building walls around me. I wanted to keep people out before they could get in and hurt me. One of the exercises they had on the show was where the obese kids would yell, "I AM ANGRY THAT..." and complete the sentence. I think it could be very helpful for me to be able to write these things down and do this exercise, so here we go:

I AM ANGRY THAT I am over 300 pounds.
I AM ANGRY THAT I can't have a child right now.
I AM ANGRY THAT my husband has to be with an overweight and unattractive woman.
I AM ANGRY THAT I don't feel like I deserve my husband.
I AM ANGRY THAT I have allowed myself to fail so many times.
I AM ANGRY THAT I allow myself to feel like my mother-in-law doesn't see me for me, but that all she sees is fat.
I AM ANGRY THAT people worry about me as a result of my weight.
I AM ANGRY THAT people tell me I am pushing myself too hard.
I AM ANGRY THAT I can't run far any more.
I AM ANGRY THAT I didn't make the basketball team in highschool no matter how hard I tried.
I AM ANGRY THAT I wasn't accepted by the other girls on the basketball team at camp.
I AM ANGRY THAT those girls at basketball camp would torment me and tease me and treat me like I didn't know they were making fun of me.
I AM ANGRY THAT they kept knocking at my door at camp, running down the hall before I answered, and would leave candy bars in the floor, so that's what I saw when I opened the door.
I AM ANGRY THAT that basketball coach at camp asked me what kind of candy bars were my favorite and laughed.
I AM ANGRY THAT Cindy would always ask me how I shaved the back of my legs since I was so fat while standing in front of the other team members and Coach.
I AM ANGRY THAT the other team members and the Coach never said anything.
I AM ANGRY THAT Andy sexually assaulted me and made me think he liked me, only for him to have been making fun of me to all the "popular" kids at school the whole time.
I AM ANGRY THAT he cornered me between the lockers at school and spit in my face.
I AM ANGRY THAT he told me not to tell anyone.
I AM ANGRY THAT I told Coach Peterson anyway and she told me I was a liar and stood up for Andy.
I AM ANGRY THAT I had no one to turn to.
I AM ANGRY THAT Coach Peterson told me I was too big to play basketball and I was 160 pounds.
I AM ANGRY THAT Coach Zimmerman used to give us candy bars after track practice if we threw up.
I AM ANGRY THAT I would go home and throw up after dinner.
I AM ANGRY THAT I never had a boyfriend.
I AM ANGRY THAT I never went to a highschool dance.
I AM ANGRY THAT I feel like I have let my Dad down.
I AM ANGRY THAT I feel like my Father thinks he has let me down.
I AM ANGRY THAT I allowed myself to give in to what others called me.
I AM ANGRY THAT others called me thunder thighs, fat pig, disgusting, ugly and didn't even know me.
I AM ANGRY THAT I don't trust people.
I AM ANGRY THAT I have let this go this far before doing anything about it.
I AM ANGRY THAT I still have my doubts about being able to do this.

The thing that stands out the most to me in this is that I allowed one year of my life with some shitty "mentors" and some asshole kids make me into who I am now. I AM ANGRY that I accepted their meanspiritedness as my reality.