Demesha Challenge Day 3 and DENIAL

Whew! Yesterday I went for 65 minutes on the elliptical! Not only was I proud of my time, but I went farther than I did on Monday (see my progress by comparing photos) and I did it at a higher intensity AND I burned 1000 calories. I was DONE when I got off that thing! I did a 5K! (A very slow 5K, but a 5K nonetheless!) I felt very productive after my hour on it yesterday. I realized after I got off it that I was super close to 900 calories, so I got back on and went the remaining 3 calories so I hit 900. I got in the car to go home and I felt guilty because I didn't go for 1000 calories, so when I went home, I ran up and down the stairs a few times to make up the remaining 100 I needed to get to 1000 : )

I got my bodybugg yesterday and according to my plan, I will reach my goal weight of 150 pounds on April 3, 2011 (the month after I run the Disney Princess Half Marathon!). It is so exciting to see an actual date. Who knows if I will hit it or not, but according to my bugg, if I maintain a 1000 calorie deficit every day, I can hit it. I think that's what I have been averaging so far, so we'll see if I can keep it up. If not, I'll just lower my calorie deficit and it'll push my day back a little, but no biggie! I will keep posting stuff on my bodybugg and how it is working for me. So far, I love it. It has the easiest meal tracking system I have ever used!

So I am doing my first road race on August 16th...pray for me. It's up the side of a mountain and back down it to the college, so I am crazy afraid. It's only about a mile and a half, but it is a "no joking mile and a half" I am going to be doing it with my former WW leader who has lost about 130 pounds...I have no idea why. Maybe all this exercise is keeping oxygen from my brain.

Yikes...that makes my feet sweat a little...does anyone else get sweaty feet when they get nervous? Not sweaty palms, but sweaty hands...hmmm. This next topic makes my feet sweat too, because it is way honest and out there for all to see. I have never admitted to any of the things that follow, and now I am writing it down:

I am working through some of my stressors with the help of Dr. Phil's book "The Ultimate Weight Solution." Your stress always goes through some sort of filter: the example he gave was David and Goliath. The Iraelite soliders set eyes on Goliath and said to themselves, "He is so big that we can never slay him." When David saw Goliath, he said to himself, "He is so big that I cannot miss him." Two completely different reactions to the very same stressor because of very different perceptual filters. One of the biggest perceptual filters that we face is DENIAL. Dr. Phil says that "Denial is a dangerous filter because it suppresses the truth about yourself. Living in denial, you can be like a pressure cooker that is not allowed to vent it's steam...Denying certain realities weakens us, and kills what might have been a real chance to overcome a problem, had the solution been pursued in time. " So I am going to let this pressure cooker vent it's steam right now.

Denial rears it's ugly head in the form of our thoughts and mental conversations we have with ourselves on a day to day basis. For example, I was always thinking, "I am talented on stage, so people will forgive my weight" or "I am a nice person so people won't mind that I am fat" or "This is just the way I am...deal with it" or "I am happy with how I look." It seriously depended on the day as to what I told myself to get through it. None of these things were really true though...I felt self conscious on stage because I was fat, I wouldn't talk to people for them to find out I was nice because I was fat, I wasn't "dealing with it", so I wanted other people to "deal with it." I wasn't happy with how I looked...who was I kidding besides me?

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid.
~RICHARD BACH

I am afraid.

This is the simplest reason I can find as to why I am in denial. Not only am I in denial about my weight, but I am in denial about how I got here. Eating more fast food than one should in a life time, not exercising AT ALL, DRINKING!

Here's where my blog takes a scary turn (for me at least). I am dealing with my denial over my weight, but I am not dealing with my denial concerning my drinking. Am I an alcoholic? I don't think so, but I do so very look forward to my one night a week where I can drink all the wine I can hold. I have been doing this for about 4 years. That is at minimum, 208 nights of my life where I was unapologetically intoxicated. I abuse alcohol.

It has dawned on me in the midst of this life change that not only do I have to start eating right and exercising, but the alcohol needs to go away. My grandfather was an alcoholic and I need not tempt fate. Additionally, I am a pack a day smoker. I start Chantix tomorrow and I quit smoking in 8 days. I am seriously terrified. Terrified of failing, terrified of screwing up my exercise or diet, terrified of change.

I have NEVER said that I think I have a drinking problem, but as I sit here typing this right now, I feel sad at not having that little celebration this weekend. (That's what drinking has been to me...a little party, a little happiness in a glass.) That sounds like a problem to me. I have to make myself understand that I have another place to find that happiness now and that's in my health and in my exercise and my quest to be fit. But it sure is scary to think about not having my "celebration night" this weekend at the same time, it is scary to think about logging in all the calories from wine into my bodybugg.

There...I said it. It scares me, but I am not going to erase it.

No one said change was an easy thing, so I best just buckle in and hang on for the ride.