Last week, I was watching Oprah and she had severely overweight teens on her show. They were discussing their weight and they had a group therapy session with a married couple (I can't remember their names now...) that was just absolutely eye opening.
A lot of the hurt that I carry (and in this situation hurt is equivalent to pounds) is from high school. I had a couple of things happen to me that really affected who I am today. Those "things" were the reason that I started building walls around me. I wanted to keep people out before they could get in and hurt me. One of the exercises they had on the show was where the obese kids would yell, "I AM ANGRY THAT..." and complete the sentence. I think it could be very helpful for me to be able to write these things down and do this exercise, so here we go:
I AM ANGRY THAT I am over 300 pounds.
I AM ANGRY THAT I can't have a child right now.
I AM ANGRY THAT my husband has to be with an overweight and unattractive woman.
I AM ANGRY THAT I don't feel like I deserve my husband.
I AM ANGRY THAT I have allowed myself to fail so many times.
I AM ANGRY THAT I allow myself to feel like my mother-in-law doesn't see me for me, but that all she sees is fat.
I AM ANGRY THAT people worry about me as a result of my weight.
I AM ANGRY THAT people tell me I am pushing myself too hard.
I AM ANGRY THAT I can't run far any more.
I AM ANGRY THAT I didn't make the basketball team in highschool no matter how hard I tried.
I AM ANGRY THAT I wasn't accepted by the other girls on the basketball team at camp.
I AM ANGRY THAT those girls at basketball camp would torment me and tease me and treat me like I didn't know they were making fun of me.
I AM ANGRY THAT they kept knocking at my door at camp, running down the hall before I answered, and would leave candy bars in the floor, so that's what I saw when I opened the door.
I AM ANGRY THAT that basketball coach at camp asked me what kind of candy bars were my favorite and laughed.
I AM ANGRY THAT Cindy would always ask me how I shaved the back of my legs since I was so fat while standing in front of the other team members and Coach.
I AM ANGRY THAT the other team members and the Coach never said anything.
I AM ANGRY THAT Andy sexually assaulted me and made me think he liked me, only for him to have been making fun of me to all the "popular" kids at school the whole time.
I AM ANGRY THAT he cornered me between the lockers at school and spit in my face.
I AM ANGRY THAT he told me not to tell anyone.
I AM ANGRY THAT I told Coach Peterson anyway and she told me I was a liar and stood up for Andy.
I AM ANGRY THAT I had no one to turn to.
I AM ANGRY THAT Coach Peterson told me I was too big to play basketball and I was 160 pounds.
I AM ANGRY THAT Coach Zimmerman used to give us candy bars after track practice if we threw up.
I AM ANGRY THAT I would go home and throw up after dinner.
I AM ANGRY THAT I never had a boyfriend.
I AM ANGRY THAT I never went to a highschool dance.
I AM ANGRY THAT I feel like I have let my Dad down.
I AM ANGRY THAT I feel like my Father thinks he has let me down.
I AM ANGRY THAT I allowed myself to give in to what others called me.
I AM ANGRY THAT others called me thunder thighs, fat pig, disgusting, ugly and didn't even know me.
I AM ANGRY THAT I don't trust people.
I AM ANGRY THAT I have let this go this far before doing anything about it.
I AM ANGRY THAT I still have my doubts about being able to do this.
The thing that stands out the most to me in this is that I allowed one year of my life with some shitty "mentors" and some asshole kids make me into who I am now. I AM ANGRY that I accepted their meanspiritedness as my reality.
About Me
- Valerie
- I think there's just one kind of folks. Folks. ~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird, Chapter 23
OPERATION FAT BLASTER!!!
Mission Updated!
Now recruiting for Operation Fat Blaster!
Updated!
2 comments:
Okay - after I finish holding back my tears I will continue writing!
VALERIE - 1st off, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Seriously, the first thing I thought coming to your blog and seeing your picture is she is SO pretty! Your husband is a lucky man and I hope and pray he makes you feel that way as well.
2nd - although I understand what they were making the kids do, I don't necessarily agree with it. We can't mask our hurts, so I'm not for one minute endorsing that approach - i think there is power in releasing our emotions and when necessary trusting the wounds to someone who will nurse them. BUT and that's a very strong BUT - I favor counting our blessings over the wounds. That's not just me coming from a "Christian" view point, there is truth behind seeing the positive in things versus the negatives. It's awesome you have a husband. Be thankful you can run (I've lost 62lbs and still don't feel confident in running, girl do you know how much I'd LOVE to do the things you described in your post below. The running, the exercise on the bike, etc.) I do all of those things, but not nearly at the level you are which inspires me to up my game. SEriously, I've been inspired and motivated by you. Be encouraged by the impact you have on others.
Onto the stuff from camp - I'm glad you laid that out and I know it was probably hard, emotional and just rough to stare in the face...now that you've laid it out there - DO NOT pick it back up. i think our biggest problem is laying our pasts down and then picking them back up and wearing it like a dirty garment. It wasn't meant for us to carry. Valerie, others WRONGFULLY and IGNORANTLY put that baggage on you, people are sometimes cruel, mean and downright heartless. Do not own it as yours babe!
Oh, I'd give anything to just give you a hug and talk face to face with you right now because my heart just melted over you reading what you had to say. I am at work and am seriously messed up over here thinking about the junk all these people did to you. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN WHAT THEY MADE YOU OUT TO BE...you know what, others are displaying their own insecurities by belittling other people and I'm trusting you have a greater respect for others than that. Don't you let it stop you or trip you up for one more day.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
I AM INSPIRED BY YOU.
I AM PROUD, VERY PROUD OF YOU.
BE ENCOURAGED.
BE MOTIVATED.
LOVE YOURSELF...IT IS SO VERY IMPORTANT, YOU ARE SO VERY IMPORTANT VALERIE!
Valerie, you are a beautiful person. So much of what you have written is sooooo familiar to me. I understand. I know you are going to be successful. :-) (K.Hislope)
Post a Comment